blissful chaotic ≈ crystal boudreau

The Never Ending To-do List

I have accomplished exactly one complete thing off my very, very long to-do list in the last three days.

Of course, this to-do list keeps growing and every day. And I in my ever scattered sense of self keep getting sidetracked by things not on my to-do list. Those things were things I forgot to put on the ever important list in the first place, but still.

This is maddening. Only to me mind you. I’ve come to the conclusion that no one else around here really cares, because their day to day life isn’t affected by this ever growing list. It’s just things that bother me. Maybe I’m just obsessing. It would not be the first time.

I’m also slightly giggling as I write this, because this to-do that drives me to a slight bit of insanity on a daily basis, my whole life long, is not even written down. It’s just a list of things that I keep adding to in my head, and that will drive me even further over the edge if something doesn’t scratched off it, in my head of course.

But instead of sorting this whole mess out, I sit here, writing this silly little blog post about to-do lists that never go away, because one of the things on it is to write here, and I haven’t since August 18th, and that’s too long.

But honestly, the big reason I need to sort this out is because I have another list, a much smaller one. It’s a tiny little other list, that’s not wrote down either. But it’s an important one. It’s a list of things that I need to do, for myself and for my family. But this big to-do list is hiding the tiny list.

Do you have any hints, tips and tricks tackling to-do lists- (or making them go away that do not include small explosives, or fire?)

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The Chaotic Rhythm

So, I’m posting twice today. Lucky you. I found this older post from sometime last fall. I can look the date up but I’m trying to not be blown away by the wind just kicked up and is coming in the kitchen windows. It’s been nine months since I wrote this.

It’s funny, how very little has changed since then. This post at Ten Minute Missive got me wondering, and I had, at one time many more posts here. But I pulled them and saved them as drafts. Please don’t ask why.

This is one of them.

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12th January, 2010

My life runs in this chaotic rhythm and has for years now. It seems to work for my family, even if I want to run away from it sometimes to just hide somewhere and breathe quietly for a little while. There are many things that I should be doing right now. Probably not right at this moment since it’s 9:22pm on a Sunday evening, but right at this moment in my life. There are always little things to take my time, day to day things that take little moments, but amass an enormous amount of accumulated time when added up together.

Instead, I am swallowed up in tangled up piles of yarn. Different kinds of yarn. All of it tangled, and none of it started that way. Some came in skeins, some came already made into something that I have decided to reclaim into something else. All has ended up in some degree of entanglement. I think it is a sign. That yarn hates me. Or that the Universe is trying to tell me something. I haven’t figured out what yet, because I continue to harass the yarn and untangle it, and hang it, ball it, and move along to the next batch.

(I don’t have the original image that went with this post anymore, and if I do, it is buried in my photo archives. I do however have this cute little bunny. Not a bunny of course, but the completed ball of yarn. A la eyeballs and all. My attempt at trying not to hate it entirely.)

That pretty shiny stuff up there is made of bamboo and is the softest to date. But up until today was my most hated. Today, I was in the process of unraveling a Gap sweater, when it tangled. Worse than the bamboo dared, and now it is my nemesis. I don’t know why I am bothering all this messing around with the yarn. The job I had so fortunately acquired in this wretched economy has turned into one terrible flop, for no lack of trying on my part. The job itself could have been, many things. But well, I will be polite and cordial and respectful to my still employer since I have yet to give my resignation because I am a baby and haven’t gone in to tell them I can no longer work for them because no one who does not already advertise with them does not want to advertise with them. It does not matter what I tell them, beg them, cajole them, or how young and cute I am. Substance matters in a situation like this, and in this instance, their problems are bigger than sales revenue.

So I waste multitudes of hours in yarn. Yet, for now, I have nothing knit. Because, it is too pretty in a ball. Like this website, has sat idle for months now, because I made it this beautiful calm, peaceful place and I don’t want to wreck it. Which in these few months of chaos that I can not even begin to spell out here in a few words, I have come to realize is my deeper unresolved issue. I am very good at starting these wonderful things, but I don’t follow through, because Heaven Forbid if I do not finish something to it’s absolute perfection like my obsessive compulsive perfectionism control freak personality type needs it to be, but it’s ok, I’m cool too if everything falls to pieces, really, I can handle it. And I can. I’ll just absolutely neglect this. My photography. My newly re-found yarn love. And whatever obsessive obsession I happen to have at the moment, which could range from researching the compounds in dirt to finding out what Phineas and Ferb did on last weeks episode. I’m trying not to neglect me anymore, despite the interruptions.

This was meant to be a “photogallerywebshowcaseblogsite” in it’s inital inception, but Aug ’09 my camera bit it. It’s great for snapshots, but hey, who needs another blog full of snap shots right? I’m not about those. I have yet been unable to replace it, and have since decided the road I was running down with my photography isn’t the one I want to go anyways, so it’s worked out for the best. I still miss having a camera like anything in this world, but I have a pretty decent camera phone that will work for what I want for this space. After a 6 month hiatus with not taking a single photo (and no, that’s not much of an exaggeration) I’m finding myself taking a few here and there with my phone. And find myself wanting to blog them. I found an Android WordPress App for my phone, once I work the kinks out, there may hopefully be more here. Since I am also a lazy blogger, and emailing photos to myself, then uploading them, is a pain and too much work, if I can send them straight to my blog from my phone, it’ll work out. Hopefully, if anyone even reads this anymore, you will be seeing more here.

Oh, just a tidbit, I dreamt about dancing. For the first time in a million years.

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PS. That yarn, is still sitting in balls, waiting to be knit. I just can’t seem to find the right pattern for it. But really, I don’t think this is about the yarn at all, is it?

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I promised myself

I would scribble out some words here more often than I have, and so far I haven’t.

But, I’ve been distracted. I’ve let life get in the way. Rather, I’ve let my mind and it’s ever running dialogue with my invisible friends get in the way. (That’s a joke by the way.) Seriously though, I’ve been so caught up in all this -stuff- in my head that I’ve lost my ability to think clearly, and write coherently. I can spew out a few sentences that make sense and then everything goes blank. I’m on a roll right now; this is almost a record for the last four days.

Of course, I’ve been super distracted with this super secret that is causing a super headache. That was two too many supers, but I don’t care. I’m fighting a migraine thanks to the fluctuating weather temperatures. It was 110 two days ago and now I’m freezing wearing sweatshirts and leggings. Anyways.

So this secret, it’s k.i.l.l.i.n.g me.

It’s going to drive me to madness, and instead of just diving in and tackling it head on like I do with everything else in my life, I’ve been avoiding it. At all costs. It’s a terribly bad decision on my part. Partly it’s me stalling. The children are still not in school, we still have one more whole week to go. Then I will have complete and utter silence, until I find a job. Then it will be partial silence, since it will be a part time job. See, here comes the chaos of my over-fried brain.

This is when I should stop and bid you adieu.

But I want to say, what this secret involves, I don’t DO. I do a lot of things. I’m very talented, I’m very skilled, I’m capable of many things. I have taught myself how to do almost anything. But this, well, this is a whole other ball game. This idea that popped in my head was not my idea. I am not happy about it. It will not go away. I wish it would. So for almost a month now I have tried to will it away. Apparently my will power is worth nothing. Neither is my begging, or pleading, or bargaining.

It is here to stay.

I will go mad.

It is so complicated.

(This is the end of me being melodramatic. I do despise drama. There will be no more of it here.)

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gah

I can’t seem to get myself back into the habit of a good blogging schedule.

I also can’t seem to get myself back into the habit of decent blogging topics.

It used to come rather easily to me, but I fear my mind is just too distracted elsewhere with other projects and things in my life right now that blogging is really the last thing on it. Here I sit because I made a promise. I don’t break my promises. So, this is really short and says nothing. I’m sorry. But I had to say something.

Something.

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rumbling boom

We’ve been inundated with severe weather the past two nights, and while I usually enjoy a good booming thunderstorm, I’m tired. I haven’t slept much thanks to the lightning grounding all around the house for hours on end in the middle of the night. Don’t get me wrong, I love storms, I sat up and watched it last night. The flashing in brilliant blues, yellows, greens and then the bright white ones that came with a rumble that rolled across the entire sky, lighting it up like daylight. It was fantastic. But I’m tired.

snore.

We’re supposed to have round three tonight. The photographer in me wishes I still had my dSLR so I could set up in the dining room window and capture some of the show. I haven’t seen storms like this in years, and I live in Iowa, and we get storms. But these ones, they’ve been otherworldly. It seems it’s all anyone is talking about, how bad the lightning is, how loud the thunder is.

We’ve been lucky so far, there is only one tree branch down in the yard after two nights of this. But the heat index is bad again and we’re just praying there is nothing worse coming tonight. I’m praying it comes when there is daylight, that like last night there is no wind. I’m praying for lots of things, but mostly right now I’m just praying for my brain back. I miss it. It’s been a weird long summer. I’d like to be able to think again, and these storms are not helping any.

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So..

I’ve been having a thousand and one million things (yea, that’s probably a little bit of an exaggeration) running through my mind for the last few months. I have woefully neglected this space. As usual.

I am, a self proclaimed horribly wretched blogger.

There is little here to look at, to read, to see.

Believe it or not. I’ve held this space for 3 years now. I’m hanging my head in shame. I’m also laughing a little. Because this is just -so me-. But I’ve got plans to change that. But I’ve also said that before. A lot.

I’m hoping, if I throw this out there, I will hold myself accountable and not fall back on them. I also have other plans, that are a big deep secret that no one besides my better half knows about. My better half will hold me accountable.

Those plans are also giving me one big giant headache.

It’s going to take me a little while to get back into the groove of this. Believe it or not, I used to do this on a fairly regular basis, and I was rather good at it. Until I got sidetracked by other things that caught my interest. That happens frequently too. I love to get sidetracked by things I find interesting and amusing and appealing. I just need to remember to tell about them here, then it will all be a-ok.

I will not neglect this space. Someone may just need to remind me.

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the herd mentality

Oh I almost did it.

I almost fell into the herd mentality. I do not even know why. I have never done this. I have never fallen into the trappings of pack groups that people fall into. You must do this, you must do it this way, because everyone says so and it works so well for so-and-so and s/he is the bomb. Forgive my snarkiness, but I am upset at myself. I’m not sure what has overcome me today.

I’m getting ready to embark upon something different for me, and this is going to be short and sweet here– completely different for me. But I wanted a small reminder of my small slip up.

STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF CRYSTAL.

Or you will get another dorkstamp.
Dork.

PS: Be nice to yourself. Following the path of others is not the path for you. It never has been, and it never will be. No matter how difficult this road is, or may seem as you look down it. Remember, it was laid there for you and you only. Just because you do things in a way that is unique does not mean it’s wrong, or bad, or any other negative word you can think up when you’re feeling frustrated and ready to call it quits. You promised yourself this time. This time, you must not. Got it? Good.

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An unusually vivid dream

I had a strange little dream this morning about cutting my hair. Which for most is probably not anything they would think twice about. But I don’t dream. Ever. I fall asleep, and I wake up. In between, there is nothing but darkness or other stuff that I don’t think falls into the category that a dream would fit into.

But this morning after waking up to a beautiful sunrise and saying goodbye to my better half I fell back asleep and dozed for a little bit. Well, I guess I did a little more than doze because I actually had a real life dream. About cutting my hair. Into the most ridiculous high school era haircut that I would not ever dream of doing again. Ew.

“To dream that you are cutting your hair… you may be reshaping your thinking or ambitions and eliminating unwanted thoughts/habits.”

So, curious as I am, I went and googled a dream dictionary because I like to know these things, and found this.

It works for me.

Happy dreaming folks!

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Kiting

We’ve always dabbled in kite flying around here, but sort of let it fly to the wayside the past few years. But this year has been a good year for throwing them back to the wind.

It’s been windy, a lot. So we’ve gotten the kites out. Restrung the dual string, said goodbye to an old friend who has vanished, will be saying hello to a new one our 12 year old has purchased for himself, and introduced ourselves to a new one to us, and a friends kite that came to play with the dragonfly this past weekend. We also got a small 21″ kite, and a 4″ finger kite for our youngest, neither which have yet been flown.

It was a little too windy this weekend, but it was fun anyways. We all had a blast, got beat up, laughed a lot, rescued the diamond a few times, and sent them flying from the ground more times than any of us can remember, but it was all worth it.

I don’t have photos of all the kites here, just the dragonfly and our dear friend Sally’s diamond. But I’ll be chasing down the rest of them, and my kite, (which is the best kite of them all if I must say!) and will be posting those later on. Note that I say us, and we, in all of this and it’s all my better half and the kids, and I run around picking up the kites and sending them soaring into the air, or making photographs, or just basking in the beauty in them.

I love to watch them fly. I love to fly them too. But it makes my heart ache a little. Isn’t that a little odd?

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I Always Have

So I got a phone call from my mom yesterday, from the ER, where she was alone, with a broken arm after a fall down the stairs in her apartment. She had called grandma to take her to there, but sent her home. At this point, little was known except that it was broke and the Dr. had called in another Dr. and I was approximately 938 miles away.

So anyways. I tracked my brother down at work, which was a trick and a little bit since the first call got me to his voicemail (after getting his voicemail on his cell, and his girl’s voicemail on her cell) so I called back again and before I got sent to his voicemail again hurriedly explained who I was and that I needed to speak to him directly because his mother was in the hospital. Ok, only a little exaggeration, but enough to get him found.

I filled him in on what little I knew and he was off, and has since been taking care of mom with her pretty badly broken arm that needs surgery to repair it, pretty extensive time off work to heal it, and lots of tlc. He’s got her situated in a pretty comfy looking corner of the couch at his new home with his girl and their family has been there for mom, thank God. I say that with more sincerity and grace than any word on a screen could ever convey.

Here’s my mom’s shoulder, that white line right underneath the nub is the break. She’ll be getting plates and pins on Sunday morning after spending Saturday afternoon and night admitted in the hospital.

It’s been strange, in a way that I can’t explain, hearing all of what is going on, seeing photos on facebook and getting updates in email. And here I sit, approximately 938 miles away, going on with my life, when hers, and my brother and his family’s has been halted in a way that was unexpected, very unwanted and just plain sucky. It’s surreal and I feel helpless and maybe I am just feeling a little sorry for myself because I can’t do anything, and I am a doer by nature, by disaster survival, by learned habit. When things go to hell, I just naturally kick into this do or die mode and here I am, 938 miles away in do or die mode and I can’t do. It’s bizarre.

But you know what? She’s my mom too. I -should- be there too. I should be helping too. It shouldn’t all just be on my brother, and I am so, so very thankful that he is there, and that he has been there the past 10 years that I have been gone, and maybe he is thinking ‘why does she care now’ but I always have. I always have. I never didn’t not care. I just never said so. That was my ultimate mistake, but I am not the same person anymore, and there was a lot that was never said. But I am saying it now. I want to be there, I wish I could be. If I could be, I would. I know it doesn’t change anything, or make anything different, but maybe just knowing will help even a little.

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